This morning my circadian spiritual/pseudo-intellectual awakening began, as it does always Tuesday mornings, with a cup of black coffee from the IHOP on South Bundy in Santa Monica.
As my bloodstream became saturated with the magical elixir that is caffeine, and my muscles began to thaw after clutching the wheel of my grandfather’s Montero for the entire hour it took to drive from the South Bay up to Santa Monica, an idea occurred to me of a particularly brilliant and exceptionally ingenious nature: I must start a blog, nay, a platform, on which I can herald my voice and opinions for all the world to hear. And while it is not uncommon for me to experience such epiphanies, which, on the contrary, tend to be both frequent in occurrence and momentous in scope, this one elicited in me a response of such visceral and unprecedented enthusiasm that I had no choice but to act on it.
Like any child (narcissist) of the Millennial Generation (not to be confused with the Lost Generation or Generation X), my ego has been stroked to biblical proportions by the onslaught of trophies, awards, and alternative parenting methods that characterized my formative years. Though I leave the scholars and experts and keynote speakers at high school graduations to debate the ills and benefits of this methodology, I, faithful to my upbringing, hold steadfast to the fervent conviction that what I have to say is of relevance, significance, and importance. However, unlike other children of my generation, I refuse to reduce my intellectual musings to 140 characters or a series of images in graphic interchange format posted along side sappy one-lined captions.
In the interest of constructing a reputable ethos, I will inform you that, to quote Laney Boggs from Not Another Teen Movie (2001), “I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.” I am also/have previously identified as a Post-Marxist Chicana feminist, a deep thinker, a connoisseur of cheap tequila and fast food, an American patriot, a budding novelist, an active horticulture enthusiast, a lipstick lesbian, a left-wing libertarian, and an aspiring deep-sea diver.
It is my deepest wish that you might find this blog funny/entertaining/well-written and that one day we might meet, fall madly in love, and move to a nudist colony in Maine where we can practice free love, harmony, and Jewish Buddhism.